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<h3 style="text-align:justify!important;">Self is the invariable abattoir where many relationships are slaughtered </h3>
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<p>Just like the old adage goes, it takes two to tango. In any given relationship paradigm there are at least two entities (persons) involved. A relationship is a social real estate whose ecosystem is the sum total of the net contributions of the two persons involved. The relationship stands apart as an independent entity which feeds on a diet radically different from that of its constituent persons, for it not just to survive but to flourish. </p>
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<p>There are certain things that are otherwise optional and yet compulsory for a relationship to work. You mean like really “compulsory” when it’s a relationship of two consenting adults? Indeed! Communication, intimacy, trust, respect, love, submission etc constitute the mandatory diet the relationship cannot live without. </p>
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<p>Relationships fail because people confuse their personal needs and preferences for the needs of the relationship. Because of this grave mistake, persons then tend to think that needs of their relationships (which in many cases are confused for personal preferences and idiosyncrasies), are optional. </p>
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<p>Here is the thing, maybe you don’t like to communicate, perhaps you don’t feel like investing in quality time with your partner, or it could be that you have genuine trust issues, and maybe you struggle with respect, love, submission etc, however as far as the survival and flourishing of your relationship is concerned these aspects are neither optional nor negotiable.</p>
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<h3>Many try to have the best of both worlds, pander to their individualistic whims and self-centered preferences and still expect the relationship to work </h3>
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<p>It helps to understand and view the relationship as an entity separate from its persons just like it is with a business concept. Most of us understand that the moment you start running a business on personal preferences and whims at that very moment you have killed it. You may not like sales,&nbsp; or marketing management or even financial literacy, etc, however your enterprise needs a diligent praxis of these disciplines to survive and grow. As far as the survival and growth of your business is concerned these aspects are not negotiable. If you can't appreciate that then do not run a business.</p>
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<p>Many try to have the best of both worlds, pander to their individualistic whims and self-centered preferences and still expect the relationship to work. If you are caught up in this rigmarole, what you are seeking to do is as futile as trying to lobby reality for custom settings. Adults caught up in this predicament are essentially adolescents trapped in big people’s bodies. </p>
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<h3>The shallow concept of mutual consent is another problem</h3>
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<p>The issue of mutual consent in this context pertains to the essentials that keep the relationship growing and thriving and not anything untoward as it were. </p>
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<p>Here is the standard grade appreciation of the basis of functional relationships: Mutual Consent on initiatives or propositions. This simply refers to getting the buy-in of your partner for whatever you seek to do or accomplish with him/her. Quite straight forward this, no rattles nor blisters here. </p>
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<p>However, there is a higher grade appreciation of the basis of not only functional but flourishing relationships:&nbsp; Comprehensive Mutual Consent i.e. mutual consent on the both axes of propositioning as well as declining.  This refers to mutual consent being exercised on both ends of the communicative transaction. In other words, the one making an initiative seeks mutual consent of the other party and the target of the motion also seeks mutual consent in a case where the bid is declined. The fact is understandably quite elusive to many.</p>
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<p>We tend to emphasize consent on one end and yet de-emphasize it on other. For example, if your partner wants to spend time or take a walk with you, usually the default setting is to check if you are in the mood or if you would like to do that or not, whereas a negotiated consensual, loving and mutual turn down will serve the relationship better than a self-conceived, monocratic, unilateral  and a veto-powered "No". When confronted with a decision making process that has a bearing on the relationship, the question to ask is not: "Do I want to do this or not?", the appropriate question to ask is, "Does the relationship need this or not?" A balanced way forward should be negotiated within that premise.</p>
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<p><strong> Many people tend to exercise veto power (unilateral decision making) in declining propositions or initiatives. This is the low hanging fruit of the insidious plague of self-centeredness. </strong></p>
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<h3>You will surely win the argument but lose the relationship</h3>
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<p>Remember the sharpness of your argument for, or against it (whatever the initiative is) is completely irrelevant and lopsided if the needs of the significant other are trivialized. If you persist, you will surely win the argument but lose the relationship. </p>
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<p>A good relationship is not a social contract in which you get what you want, it is a social contract where in you get what you want and do not get what you do not want in the context of comprehensive mutual consent. A good relationship is not a social contract in which you get what you want, it is a social contract where you get what you want which serves the relationship. Among many other equally important factors, failure to understand and live by the principle of comprehensive mutual consent is the major reason why relationships fail. </p>
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<p><strong>Amos 3:3 Can two walk together, except they be agreed?</strong></p>
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